9/11/13

Impeding Doom: Fall Fashion and Mom's Diet (a diet book for children!)

it's astonishing how many "before" pictures i've taken of myself. sometimes i'm in my underwear and other times, like this 2012 edition, i keep things decent. i've yet to take an after shot.  

Fall in almost here. I fear what's coming up soon. Jean shopping. It's worse than bathing suit shopping.

With bathing suits, I just buy one. I go into the whole experience knowing my body isn't going to look perfect. I try on 3 suits and pick the one that makes my boobs look the biggest. Done. With jeans, however, I'm faced with a zipper and button situation on a perpetually 4 months pregnant belly. Squeezing all that into a jeans ain't easy or fun. It's the universal dilemma of never getting the jeans to match up, either they're too lose in the leg or too tight on my hips.

More than ever, I want to look sleek and stylish in pants, but then I throw them on and suddenly I look straight out of a Gap commercial from 1998. I jump and jive my way right out of the fitting room.

Last fall, I was training for the NYC marathon and was even vegan for a month. The jeans I bought during that time were tiny and amazing. After I stopped training, ate whatever I wanted and gained fifteen pounds, those jeans didn't feel so comfortable anymore. Did I buy new ones? Nope. Too prideful. On a beautiful day in May, the seams in the crotch gave up their fight. It was obscene. I declared it the first day of summer.

I just want to let it all hang out. In the summertime, I can wear flowing dresses and I don't have a care in the world about my growing ass. The fall reminds me immediately.

So while it feels liberating to ignore diet plans for a beach body, I find myself weeks away from fall and I'm starving. It's all part of my 2013 Fall Body Diet Plan. I don't own any jeans at the moment, but when I do, they are going to look awesome. For a few weeks at least. Until the squeeze, rip, trash, SUMMER! cycle repeats itself again.

Speaking of diets, back when Ella was in first grade she brought home the worst book from school. I had to steal it. To think something like this was published in 1987! I have a feeling most copies have been burned by now, so I'm posting it here for all to see. Enjoy.
Keep reading to see the rest of the book . . .



I reallly want to track down the author and see if she's ever thought of writing a sequel.  
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54 comments:

  1. Hahahaha oh my goodness, that book! There is so much wrong with it that you just have to laugh, I think. Wow, and haha!

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    1. isn't the ending THE BEST?! oh dear. makes me laugh every time.

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  2. That's...

    There are no words for that. None. Whatsoever.

    Also, your kitchen is huge. Does it echo in there?

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    1. haha yeah, it's a big kitchen for nyc. my apartment is pretty big, but the layout is mind boggling awful.

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  3. hahaha can't believe that book!
    Good luck with the jeans hunt - ugh, so boring..

    xo
    Kristin

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  4. "Is she ever!" we replied. HAHA! For me, the worst part of jeans shopping is the muffin top spilling over every jean until I surrender and try on the high rise ones that give me mom butt.
    -margaret

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    Replies
    1. hahah "Is she ever!" hha the best. i want to track down the author and ask if he's thought of writing a sequel.

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  5. You slay me my friend!!!! I want to track down the author and give her a doughnut!

    xo

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    Replies
    1. Found her! http://www.joycowley.com/index.shtml

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    2. OMG. hahahah her website is the best.

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  6. ah. The 4 month pregnant belly. I'm trying to get rid of that now!

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  7. best story ever. I love how the parents are divorced but remain neighbors and the mom gives up and goes all the way with doughnuts. BEST!

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    Replies
    1. hahaha exactly. she's not taking the divorce very well.

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  8. This gives me hope about my dreams of being a children's author. If this book can get published, any book can! hahaha jk but really..lol

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  9. Ha! This made my night. Although, now I want a doughnut.



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  10. Aw that book takes me back. Joy Cowley is pretty much a NZ institution - everyone here progresses through the school reading levels with those stories. Greedy Cat is pretty legendary.

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  11. Holy cow--that book is so 80s. I'm actually surprised rice cakes didn't make an appearance. Thanks for being such a funny blogger with real stories to tell. These days you seem to be one of the few bloggers I can relate to with your stories (which is weird, since I have no kids).

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  12. I hate jeans. I'm comfortable with my weight right now and jeans still suck. Dresses and skirts are the way to go!
    I actually remember that book!

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  13. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That book is terrible!!!! So so funny!! It's a keeper for sure!!

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  14. That book is terrible! I think you look quite nice in your "before" picture, but can I make a suggestion about jeans? You need to find a really nice pair of jeggings that have plenty of spandex in them (like at nordstrom). I have a few pairs of jeggings that I was able to fit in at my tiniest and then all the way through my pregnancy and now again my weird after baby body. I think a nice pair of jeggings is slimming on everybody. Thank you for always making me laugh! I love your blog!

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  15. OMG. no words for that book. it is both hilarious and awful.
    I recently went jeans shopping with a personal stylist friend. i didn't find a pair that i liked, of course! but when i started complaing about how wrong my body was for each pair, she had the best perspective that I'm sticking with, changing my perception of being wrong for all the jeans instead of thinking that the jeans are wrong for me! Still looking for that pair that is right for me though. sigh.

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  16. btw, was just in nyc again. as i was out for a run in central park one morning, i saw a mom jogging with her son rollerblading and thought it may have been you. so i spent the rest of the run around the reservoir secretly hoping I'd spot you. :) i swear i'm not a stalker, just a mom of three that happens to love your blog and NYC!

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    1. haha i'm honored you would confuse me with a jogger . . . and not a mom staring at her iphone while her kids beg for her attention. because that's most likely how you would spot me! ;)

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  17. That book is the best! hahahaa love it

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  18. Oh and that Gap commercial! I remember it so well- i went through the swing phase, who didn't? eeerrrr, maybe most people didn't. I was never cool enough to pull off the khakis but i love love love seeing how trends come and go. It's hilarious. Will we look back at the ombre skinny jeans and giggle?

    I need to show my kiwi in-laws this book immediately and see if they learned to read on it too.

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  19. This supports my theory that there isn't a book so bad that it can't be published.

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  20. That book is outrageous! And hilarious. I think you're adorable, btw.

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  21. that book is incredible! jeans and bathing suit shopping pretty much suck for people of all sizes. thanks for being honest, as always.

    letters2slinkie.com

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  22. Replies
    1. oh wow. is that you Mindy Kaling? Lena Dunham? Beck?

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  23. Cuddly mothers are the best! I'm working hard to become a cuddly mother...that would explain the cake I just ate.

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  24. OK, this post made laugh out loud. You are hilarious. Esp this part: " Until the squeeze, rip, trash, SUMMER! cycle repeats itself again."

    HAHA!

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  25. Oh goodness, love your writing! My legs are always too short for a pair of jeans (even the short ones). Besides that I like to wear jeans with a bootcut. Along with sneakers I look like 24 instead of 34... fits my behaviour. Yeah!

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  26. get out!!! that is hilarious beyond words. check out the mom's smug expression on page 4. silly, cuddly mom. as for me and my tire. i've found that billowy tops go a long way in helping with too tight jeans.

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  27. My goodness, you've just blogged about what has been on my mind these past few days. Jeans season is almost here and I'm dreading jeans shopping. I want to live in skirts and billowy skirts forever! And I don't even care that a few of my dresses make me look pregnant, but jeans? That's another story.

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  28. This post is perfection. "There's never been an after shot." bahahahaha

    Jean shopping is the worst. Really, how did they get to be the norm? More often than not, they're not comfortable.

    And that book. That book is so horrifying and amazing. Gee, really sells the whole motherhood idea, doesn't it? :\

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  29. still available on amazon: http://www.amazon.com/story-Cowley-illustrations-Burton-Sunshine/dp/1559110600

    so disturbing, although a little on the true side of some moms i know.

    keep us posted on the jeans hunt, it is never easy. i keep hearing american eagle (of all places right?) has some nice jeans that are actually better suited for moms. one of these days, i'll check them out.

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    1. eeek! ha i didn't even think to look it up. i assumed it would have been yanked from shelves by now. good find!!

      ok--i'll go to american eagle. thanks for the tip!

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  30. Love that they worked in Divorce as well..Late 80's kids books tried to cover everything...

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  31. Not sure what style jeans you're looking for, but the cookie johnson jeans at nordstrom have a really great stretch factor. At Macy's I go for the dkny jeans.

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/cj-by-cookie-johnson-faith-straight-leg-stretch-jeans/3467399?origin=PredictiveSearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=2375500&fashionColor=&resultback=144&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-searchresults-_-1_1_C

    http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/dkny-jeans-soho-skinny-jeans-stockholm-wash?ID=701477&CategoryID=3111#fn=BRAND%3DDKNY%20Jeans%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D26%26ruleId%3D60%26slotId%3D2

    also, we're all our toughest critics-- you look great in your before pics.

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  32. I have another jeans recommendation- J Jill. I know it's a store that's kind of for like, 50 year old ladies, and some of the stuff in their store kind of makes me cringe. But their "authentic fit slim leg" jeans are THE BEST.

    Basically I need a high rise only in the back, and room for my curvy thighs, but not slouch legs. These jeans are really good for all of those things.

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  33. Hey, I just found your blog through Design Mom. I think you are hilarious, in a very real down to earth way. I really appreciate that. I read through a few of your previous posts and comments... I hope you keep it up with the real life writing and don't get scared into only sharing what is perfect or looks perfect.

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  34. I am with you on the jeans dilemma and have decided that the percentage of stretch is such a determining factor. Try Uniqlo ultra stretch jeans. They stretch so much that I've convinced myself I am 2 sizes smaller than I would normally be. BTW your blog is hilarious. Love it!I have 3 kids and my body and I have yet to reconcile, too.

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  35. Wait! This book gets better and better (or awful and more awful-ER) not only is mom fat but she's a single mom!? And dad is living it up with his handsome self eating like a king?! Meanwhile mom's walking around in her house robe and giant glasses?! Oh man! Hilarious!!! "and she had another doughnut" HAHAHAHA!!!!

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  36. oh my goodness!! that book!? but hey, who can pass up a good doughnut. not me.

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    ReplyDelete

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