9/20/11

dear diary


Last year at this time I was crying to Liz about moving. I never wanted to leave San Francisco. It was my town. I ADORED it. A year later I find myself ADORING Manhattan. Funny how life works out like that. All that stress I felt and wondering how it was going to all work out? Finding a place to live. Making new friends. Ella's school. I don't even think about it anymore because I love my house, Ella's school, and my new friends. Now I've moved on to the next stresses. Becoming a working mom, working for free, finding time.

I thought having all my kids in school would give me a break. Ha! Does that ever happen? It's always such a let down to find out that each phase of life is just as hard as the last. Well, except for the major phases. Like when my mom died when I was 18. And the first year with twins. And the second year too. Third?

Today is only the second day I've stayed at home since the kids started school full time. Other than that, I've been getting the kids ready, dropping them off at school, going straight to my internship, picking the kids up, coming home, making dinner, putting the kids to bed, and going to bed myself. I went to bed at 8pm last night. I'm tired.

Sometimes I wonder if I had my mom around at times like this she could tell me what to do. Or at least tell me her experiences with working and juggling it all. That's the kind of stuff I forgot to ask her.  I miss her at the most unexpected times. Today, September 20th, 2011. Not Mother's Day, not her birthday or the day she died. Just a quiet Tuesday. It surprises me every time. I like it that way because the longer she's dead, the more I worry that I stopped missing her. But hooray!  I still miss her! I still need her! I hope somehow someway she knows that. That would make me happy.


15 comments:

  1. Bittersweet when those moments of remembrance hit you. I am sure she will think of you for eternity and know that you miss her :)

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  2. Sending you big love today. Yes, we will always need Mommy. Yesterday on the way to the bathroom Ella & Hudson made a pact to be 'great friends'. I'm so happy we know you all and so pleased you moved to NYC.

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  3. i like to think on those random days when we miss our loved ones the most, that those are the days they actually know it and are maybe even there with us in spirit. at least that's what i like to imagine. this was a great, sweet post. keep it up, you're awesome. and i agree, it seems like even with asher gone all day, life is still crazy, or if it's not, the craziness that ensues when he gets home... and the mad dash of hw, dinner, bath, books, bedtime, totally negates any easiness that went on during the day.

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  4. This post reminds me of my FAVE movie: You've Got Mail -- she lost her mom, and its totally unrelated, but its a GREAT NYC movie, in the fall -- curl up with tea and watch it..its sweet. Hope your day gets better :)

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  5. I miss her too. I think Christine has her journals and maybe she could ship one from the time when you went to kindergarden. She probably jotted down some great thoughts and feelings about that time that you could relate to. Sometimes I watch videos of her and even though I cry my eyes out, it's comforting to hear her voice again. That New York accent! She would get such a kick out of you living there. I love you.
    -J

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  6. This reminds me of Kate Winslet's speech at the Emmy's on Sunday night. She said something along the lines of "I'll always have more to learn from my mom." That may be true, but we always have a lot to learn from everyone that's part of our lives. That may mean friends, aunts, neighbors, your mailman, even the local bodega guy!

    I'm so glad that you're embracing every stage of your life, especially the chapter in this city.

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  7. So... this kind of made me verklempt. I lost my mom 3 weeks before I turned 19. I cannot tell you how many times I wished she was here so I could ask her advice (more than anything, I wish she could have seen my girls). Okay, enough of the sad stuff. When it gets overwhelming I always take a step back and look at all of the positives. As long as the important stuff is intact then everything else is manageable, ya know?

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  8. This post is beyond touching. I am so sorry that you lost your mom, and to have lost her so young. I am fortunate to still have my mom, and her advice is free flowing when it comes to parenting but she was a stay-at-home mom and I work full time and I feel like all I ever hear is, "I just don't know, I never worked all day like you."

    You will get into a routine and it will get easier.

    And, what a special way to honor your mother by thinking of her so sweetly. You brought me to tears. Good luck. - Chesley Stetten

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  9. Hi Sharon, I'm a total lurker, but I just wanted to say that even though I don't know you at all personally, I am pretty much 150% sure you are an amazing mother (and writer!) and your own mother would be so unbelievably proud of the way you're managing it all.

    I think we're about the same age, and though I don't have a family of my own, I'm working two part-time jobs while going to grad school full-time. I am constantly exhausted. My mom is around to coach me over the phone, and I'm sure yours would say the same thing: You are brilliant and loving and brave and you can do it! Sending you warm thoughts.

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  10. My thoughts are that I can just live to be The Best I Can Be and that will/would ultimately make my Mama proud.

    I also do kind deeds in honor of her. Little bitty ones.

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  11. I am so sure she knows. At least I believe that. I love how you embrace both the sadness and happiness of missing her. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent when you are young--my dad didn't see me in my wedding dress nor will he know my children...and there are so many things as an adult I would like to ask him.
    This post is so touching and I hope you felt her spirit today. I am sure you are a great mother and are balancing everything well. I am sending you well wishes, warm thoughts and a big hug. :)

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  12. aww thanks everyone for these comments. made my day!

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  13. Oh, Sharon, you are so sweet to share something so heartfelt with all of us. Quiet Tuesdays...they can really get you, can't they?

    Here's hoping Thursday is full of the thrills of a happy life :)

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  14. I'm sure she's smiling at all of your adventures. And I'm willing to bet, right there along for the ride with you.

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  15. Sorry to hear about your mom, I am sure she would be very proud of you.
    I think that when we have kids we start to understand our own parents better and see that they were also just someone's else kid. And we appreciate them even more knowing that to be a parent is very challenging.

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